I had an a-ha moment tonight. I think it is one I’ve had before, but it landed fresh on me today. I realize that I am not comfortable with anger, whether or giving or receiving, it is an emotion I prefer to maintain a distance from. Anger breeds more anger which ends up being a slow drip of toxic resentment. I resent that someone made me angry or was angry at me. This emotion is not allowed, doesn’t everyone know that? Sometimes I kid myself and think that if I just vent and talk it out, the anger will go away, but that just feeds my self-righteousness and resentment.
I have definitely lost relationships over this. I’m a grudge holder. In the past, I’ve just worked on not getting angry, but anger is not the problem, it is my weird belief system about anger that is the problem. I wonder what would happen if I focused on forgiveness instead of suppression?